


Breathe Out, Choke On It

by RadioactivePaws



Series: Heathers One Shots [4]
Category: Heathers (1988), Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, This is a vent fic so, like its au and doesnt make much sense but u kno, rape discussion, sexual assault discussion, the rape/noncon tag is there cuz its discussed but nothing happens in the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-25 23:48:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21364675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RadioactivePaws/pseuds/RadioactivePaws
Summary: Veronica discusses her past traumas with HeatherThis is a vent fic and i basically had Veronica go through what I did so I could type it out and just get it out there because how she discusses it and feels is what I dealt with
Relationships: Heather Chandler/Veronica Sawyer
Series: Heathers One Shots [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1391932
Comments: 9
Kudos: 94





	Breathe Out, Choke On It

**Author's Note:**

> Idk what to put here
> 
> This is awkward for me to post but also cathartic in a way so it’s going here
> 
> As the tags say: tw for rape and sexual assault discussion
> 
> This probably has a bunch of mistakes so sorry for that

Veronica didn’t know what to do in any situation that turned hot and heavy when she was dating someone. Kissing could be nice but when it got intense it could be uncomfortable. Cuddling, hugging and handholding were all lifelines for her, the affection she craved from the person she was dating. 

Sex, however, wasn’t something she was ever really comfortable with. She didn’t care for it, didn’t really ever think much of it. At least she hadn’t until the girlfriends she had sophomore and junior year.

Now, while she thought of it sometimes, it wasn’t the most pleasant of things. She was working on it, finding ways to feel better about it when it was just her in private, but with other people? Another story entirely.

It was something Veronica was fearful of when she started dating Heather Chandler the beginning of senior year. 

She’d liked Heather since middle school but never thought she’d have a chance, never thought Heather would even glance her way.

Yet here she was, walking down the hall with Heather’s hand entwined with hers. Tilting her head to the side, she glanced up at the taller girl, taking in the cool confidence on the demon queen’s face as she watched the people around them. 

Before she could look away, Heather’s eyes shot to hers and a small smile slid across her lips at the blush that blossomed on Veronica’s cheeks.

“You doing alright there, Ronnie?”

“Oh, y-yeah, I’m fine.” She tried to give a convincing smile so Heather wouldn’t ask about what she’d been thinking about, what had her gnawing on her lip before Heather’s hand in hers centered her back down.

It didn’t seem to work entirely as the tiny smile disappeared, Heather rerouting them towards the abandoned bathroom they’d claimed as their own instead of class.

Veronica felt her face pale, a lump forming in her throat but she didn’t try to stop her. Fear and anxiety warred in her mind as they walked, unaware of how Heather kept shooting her worried glances.

In the two months they’d been together, Veronica had come to realize how soft Heather was, how the demon queen was mostly an act. Not entirely, Chandler could be a bitch and she treated high school like it was a company and she was the cutthroat CEO at the top, but when it came to the other Heather’s and outside of school? That dropped and Heather became soft and warm and fiercely protective of her little group.

While Heather had never pushed for sex, Veronica always worried when it would come up. Heather always let Veronica choose the pace of their kisses and how far they went, which was why the conversation she overheard earlier that day shouldn’t have bothered her.

She knew Heather wouldn’t push her, that she didn’t care when or if they had sex, but Veronica couldn’t help the way her anxiety took all of that rational and threw it in the trash. 

“Ronnie? Hey, look at me.” Heather’s finger gently tilted Veronica’s head up after she locked the door behind them. Blinking rapidly, Veronica cleared the haze in her mind and realized they’d already gotten to the bathroom.

“I’m okay.” Her voice was quiet, betraying the racing in her head and it was obvious Heather didn’t believe her. “It’s dumb and it’s a lot and I don’t want you to, like, run away or think I’m stupid or-“

Heather cut Veronica’s rapid fire words by pulling her into a tight hug, hushing her softly as she rocked back and forth until Veronica relaxed a little in her arms. 

“You idiot.” Heather’s voice was affectionate but heavy with worry, “There’s nothing you could say that would make me run.”

Veronica nodded as she tucked her head into Heather’s neck, her hands clutching the red blazer tightly.

“Did you hear what Kurt and Ram were talking about this morning by our lockers?”

“You mean their whining that none of us will fuck them anymore?” Heather groaned, rolling her eyes at the thought of the boys. Ever since she got with Veronica and Duke and Mac had finally gotten together, Kurt and Ram had been insufferable.

“Yea. When you went to get something for Heather, Ram came over and tried to get me to give him details on our relationship. I told him to fuck off but he just kept asking and then he said, I mean it’s really stupid so please don’t get upset, but he started laughing and saying that oh now he knew,” Veronica sighed, her hands fidgeting with Heather’s top. “He said he knew we hadn’t fucked yet because I wouldn’t give him details and then he and Kurt just kept going on and on about, well I mean, they talked about stuff they used to do and it just, I don’t know, bothered me and freaked me out a little.”

“Why did it freak you out?” Heather could understand being bothered. The boys harassing her girlfriend and then giving sordid details about their pasts wasn’t exactly something she was happy about either.

“Do you remember the two girls I dated in sophomore and junior year? Or well, okay, one that I dated and then the other that ended up not going anywhere? I know the rumors about it went around.”

Heather frowned but nodded. While they were out in school and Westerberg was improving slowly when it came to inclusion, any lgbt kids were always the center of attention when it came to rumors. She also remembered being extremely jealous both times and then incredibly sad for Veronica when both ended badly.

“The first one I met at homecoming my sophomore year. She was a senior but she liked me, she spent the whole night talking to me and flirting and drawing shapes on my thighs whenever we would sit near each other. I hadn’t had anyone like me like that before so I was just, I gave into her a lot. She was nice to me but she pushed and anyone I knew who talked about sex just said like yea it’s what you do when you like someone or once you do it you’ll want it a lot. Yet I never wanted it.”

Veronica took a breath and stepped back, wiping at her cheeks so she could try to center herself.

“We never did have sex but she touched me a lot, even if I didn’t want it. I didn’t think I had a choice. She was older and knew more and it’s what I’m supposed to do. So when she shoved her tongue in my mouth the first time we kissed and her hands up my shirt, I just went with it. When she shoved her hand down my pants to grope me when we were outside walking my dog or all the times she would pull me into the stairwell to makeout while she touched me as much as she could, I just kind of let her. I never said yes or even that I wanted it to happen but I liked her and I was so terrified of her dropping me if I didn’t do it.”

She laughed harshly, unable to look Heather in the eye.

“Then again, she cheated on my after four months and I hadn’t actually fucked her so it didn’t even matter. I broke up with her but no one understood, some even asked if it was my fault that she cheated.”

There was a sharp inhale and Veronica could practically feel Heather’s rage. The need to reach back out, to burrow into Heather’s arms, was present and insistent but Veronica knew she would break if she did.

“That fucked with me a lot but I didn’t really, I mean I still don’t really process it. I can barely call it any of the words it really was because I just keep going back to that mindset I was made to believe. She was my girlfriend and we liked each other so, of course, that was going to happen.

I actually dated this girl long distance after that and I clung to her like crazy because of what happened. She wasn’t good for me either, though, and it quickly turned controlling and bad before she broke up with me so she could get together with this guy near her.

Anyway, those both really messed me up and in junior year there was this girl who I really liked. She was a sophomore but the same age as me and I was so fucking lonely that I clutched at any crumb of affection she gave me.

She teased around dating for a solid month and then there was a birthday party for a friend that she ended up at. We spent the whole night cuddled close and hovering around the subject. Then when everyone else was getting ready to sleep, we went downstairs to smoke because she needed it to help her sleep and I needed it to calm my nerves. We were buzzed and high and by the time we laid down on the floor where we’d made a bed, I could only focus on how good it felt to be curled up with her under the blankets.”

Veronica put a hand to her throat, rubbing almost absently. Her eyes glazed a little as she remembered, hazing with tears that she huffed at.

“Then she kissed me. I was so happy but then she kept getting more insistent. She moved to my neck and gave me a hickie and laughed at how easy I bruised. When I told her it was bad and would be hard to hide anymore, she just nodded and I thought she would stop. She didn’t, though. By the end of the night, I had so many hickies it looked like I’d worn a chain necklace that tried to choke me and left bruises. 

She kept mumbling something, moving her hands under my shirt even though I would wiggle away when I realized. To try to get her to stop it, I said something dumb, I don’t remember what now. I was hazy and tired and high and all I know is that I didn’t say yes, I didn’t say keep going. 

But then she shoved her hand down my pants and I froze. It was how I’d done this before, freeze and be touched and maybe they’ll stay. 

Only this time the girl went too far. Before I could even process she was just, she was in me and kept moving and just biting my neck. She didn’t care if I touched her, didn’t care that I wasn’t moving and was just completely frozen in shock. No, she just kept fucking me until I broke out of it eventually and shivered and tried to squirm away a little and she figured that was enough.

Then she got up and went to smoke, leaving me there before she came back to sleep next to me.

The sad part? I figured it was fine, that she liked me because when everyone realized what had happened in the morning from my neck and my obvious shyness, they just congratulated me and laughed that we’d been brave enough to do that with other people in the house. 

It wasn’t brave. It was planned.

I found out after a week of run around from her about what was going on. Turns out she just wanted me marked and obviously fucked so people would talk, so her ex would hear and get jealous and try to get her back before she moved on.”

Veronica laughed bitterly, hugging her arms tight around her middle.

“Well it worked. They got back together and no one asked why I was so sad or why I was so fucked up. It was bad, the end of last year was bad, which is why I was so desperate to join you guys this year. I mean you know I’ve liked you for a long time, Heather, but I also knew it would mean protection.

I just figured if you didn’t take me in then it was really true, I had the absolute worst taste in women, and I would just resign myself to being super depressed the whole year.”

“But I said yes.” Heather’s voice was soft but obviously full of something, emotions so heavy she had to choke them back.

“You did, and you’re wonderful to me. Heather you, you’re the best thing to happen to me in a long long time.” Veronica shivered a little when Heather came close to hug her again, collapsing against her chest to take in her comfort. “The sex talk just freaked me out because while I know you won’t push me or force me or do anything to make me uncomfortable, I can’t help the fear that bubbles up when I think about it.”

“Ronnie, sex can be nice but I don’t need it. If you ever want to try, if you ever feel like you want to, then we will and I’ll let you lead to make sure you’re comfortable. Until then, or even if you never want that, I’m more than happy with what we have now.” Heather kissed the top of Veronica’s head, clutching her protectively. “I won’t let anyone hurt you again.” 

“I was afraid that, I mean I rationally know you wouldn’t but I was afraid that you wouldn’t think it was important. That what happened wasn’t bad or something. Everyone just seems to treat it as normal or what you have to do so I, I can’t even call it what it was because it gets so twisted in my head that it wasn’t that big of a deal.”

“Hey, hey, it was bad. What they did to you was horrible and it shouldn’t be treated as anything less than horrible. We’ll work on it, Ronnie, okay? Whatever you want to do.”

“Thank you, Heather.”

“Of course, you dummy, I love you.”


End file.
